|
Once upon a time, on a planet at the other end of the universe, there lived a little girl called Little Red Riding Hood which brought cake and wine to the old people at the other side of the dark forest. However, all of this doesn't really matter, since YOU are a mine worker on a completely different planet, light years from the planet mentioned above in a far away sector of the universe. Yes, a mine worker (living his pityful life on one of those dry-as-dust mining planets which guarantee the steady supply of resources for the empire) whose only spare time fun is to get drunk at the one (and only) bar of the small settlement - keeping life worth living, you know. "Well, sounds great", you think, or at least try to think as your drink (mixed with only the best rocket fuel) hits your head like a hammer. "Welll, what a niice plaace, two barmen who keep giving me two drinks eachh timme I order. Lif..*gulp* Lifessowonnerful." Slowly, very slowly, the feeling you had all day, all days of the last week and the 17 years before comes crawling back, the usual melancholy when you think about the odds of having a chance to leave this dusty planet someday. This stinking, awful dump, where water has already become so expensive that washing yourself has become a luxury which would cost you more than three weeks earnings. And not to mention the rest of the universe, not a single drop of water anywhere, even on highly civilized planets it has become a rare and valuable resource (except for little red riding hoods planet). "Another two of those rocket fuel buckets... they help against anything" you hear yourself placing your order from somewhat far away. "It won't go away, oh, will it ever go awayyy, go awaaaay!" Someone, probably the bartender, gives you a pityful look (what doesn't stop him from screwing you two drinks). You fall back into your dream you kept dreaming for oh so many years: Being the emperor yourself, barking commands at others, drinking as much rocket fuel as you can without paying for it - yes, that'd be a glorious life. After regaining consciousness a good while later you find yourself at the spaceport, puking up all over the place. Damn, thrown out of that pub again. But, what does it matter: You have a plan. You'll steal a ship, found your own colony and will do better at everything you have criticised all the time (and that was a lot). Totally drunk, you are staggering along your way through the dilapidated waiting halls for interstellar flights, when a toothles bum tries to scrounge some rabbits. \"Ha, the first volunteer for my new empire\" you mumble - whereupon that bum just keeps mourning about his life, and though you give him some good aimed kicks he's sticking to your leg, babbling about rabbits all the time and even follows you into the battered space station. Through the dust of alcohol you manage to realize a ship is about to depart at gate 42. Your remaining brain cells turn to full power as you run into the ship, yelling "Everyone is at my command! I have a bum and I intend to use it!". Unfortunately, the only person on the command bridge is a verminous monkey who is paying much more attention to his tetris game than to you. "Ok, so at least nobody will disturb me - and anyway, I never understood that stupid game" you're grumbling to the bum, who, in hope of gaining a few rabbits, shows you his toothless smile. After finding the ignition key in the ashtray you put the old machine to life, which slowly lifts off the ground. The autopilot unfortunatly prevents a nice crash by consequently ignoring whatever you are doing at the controls. As the spaceship finally enters the orbit, you discover that the autopilot has already made up his mind about where to fly and is preparing to enter hyperspace. Suddenly (about 5 to 10 seconds too late) you realize that you should take a rest inside one of those cryonic beds as fast as possible if you don't want to end as sludge on the floor. Finally, you find some of them inside the cargo hold - 30 cryo cabinets beneath some ice and water containers, 28 of them already occupied. "Real water" comes to your mind, but your sense for evolution is stronger, so you decide to push the bum inside one of the two remaining cabinets (labeled with "monkey") and slip into the last one yourself (labeled with "boss"). "Alcohol and hyperspace - will this end well?" are your last thoughts before entering stasis. Just as the monkey reaches a new highscore, the ship enters hyperspace, and nothing is left of him but a slimy patch on the seat. |
